Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
