i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Hello my rib-scented angel!
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
