I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
The air taste purple.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
