Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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