shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
