I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
