Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
