Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
True strength comes from lack of pants
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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