life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
