Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
