the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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