Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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