I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
