Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
