My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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