Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
