Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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