i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
