Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
