paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You pole danced in your parka.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
