Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
