Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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