well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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