For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
