I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
