If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
