Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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