whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
