My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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