Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
