I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
he shaved USA in his pubs
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
