I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
