"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
