Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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