your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
