And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
