I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
