It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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