I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
