Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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