ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
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