Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
