I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
