How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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