There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
If I die, sorry about rent.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
