mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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