I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
