Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
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In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
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I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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