Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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