In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
