I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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