Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
