it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
this is an emotional support booty call
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
