I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
