My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
